October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and Thursday, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Families around the world are invited to light a candle at 7 p.m. local time that evening, in memory of babies who died through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or in the first months of life. The month itself dates to a 1988 presidential proclamation, and the October 15 day was added later by the founder of the Remembering Our Babies website, who wanted grieving families to have a day when their community could better understand their pain.
This is one of the quietest posts we write, and we want to be careful with it. We are a florist, not a counselor, and nothing here is medical or mental health advice. What we can speak to is the part we know: how flowers are received by someone in this kind of grief, and how not to make a hard time harder.
💔 Who Is Grieving
When we picture this loss, we often picture only the mother. But the people who are grieving include the father or partner, grandparents, aunts and uncles, older siblings, close friends, and sometimes a whole workplace. Some of them lost a pregnancy that few people knew about. Some lost a baby after months of planning, a nursery, a name. Some are still grieving a loss from years ago, and this day is one of the few days that gives them permission to say so.
That is worth remembering when you decide what to send, and to whom.
⚠️ Why This Is Not a Standard Arrangement
- It is not a new-baby order. Cheerful “welcome to the world” bouquets, bright balloons, and anything with a baby theme can be painful. If a family you know is expecting or has just lost a baby, please do not let a florist, a card, or an automatic reminder send the wrong thing. Our guide to new baby flowers covers the happy side, and this post is the other.
- It is not always a funeral. Some families hold a service, and many do not. Our pages on sympathy flowers, the funeral homes and cemeteries, and the broader etiquette of sympathy help when there is a service, but many of the families you are thinking about will not have one.
- It is not something every family has shared. Many people do not announce an early loss. If you know, but the family has not told others, do not mention it to anyone else, and do not write it on a card that might be seen by a coworker.
❓ Ask Before You Send
A short, kind question is better than a guess:
- “Would you like me to send something, or would you rather I didn’t?” Some people find flowers comforting. Others find them hard to look at, or do not want anything arriving at the door.
- “Is there a name I can use?” If the family has named the baby, using the name on a card can mean a great deal. If they have not, do not push.
- “Where should I send it?” A home is usually better than a workplace. If the loss happened at a hospital, ask the family before sending anything there. Some hospital units, including some neonatal units, do not accept flowers, and we would rather you checked first than have a delivery turned away.
If you cannot ask, a card on its own, or a quiet, simple arrangement to a home, is usually a safe choice.
✍️ What to Write
The words matter more than the flowers. The guidance we have read from groups that support bereaved parents is fairly consistent, and it comes down to a few things:
- Keep it short and honest. “I am so sorry.” “I am thinking of you.” “Your baby mattered.”
- Use the name if you have it. “I am thinking of you and of [name].”
- Offer something specific. “I would like to bring dinner on Thursday. Would that help?” is easier to answer than “let me know if you need anything.”
- Remember the date. A card that says “I remember the day, and I am thinking of you” months later means more than most people realize.
What to leave unsaid. These are well-meant sentences that often hurt:
- “At least it was early,” or “at least you have other children.”
- “You can always try again.”
- “Everything happens for a reason,” or “it was meant to be.”
- “I know how you feel.”
- “Be strong,” especially to a father or partner who is also grieving.
- Any question about when they might try again.
🌷 Flowers and Gestures That Fit
If you have asked, or you know the family well enough to be sure, here are choices that tend to feel right:
- Soft, quiet colors. White, cream, soft pink, pale blue, lavender, and gentle greens look calm. Pink and blue together are the colors of the remembrance ribbon, but not every family wants them, so follow their lead.
- A small, simple arrangement. A modest bunch in a plain vase is easier to receive than a large formal piece, and nobody has to display it for guests.
- Low fragrance. A grieving person is often tired and sensitive. Our guide to the least fragrant flowers helps with choosing.
- Something that lasts. Sturdy flowers such as chrysanthemums, carnations, and alstroemeria hold up for a week or more, and our flower-care tips make them easy to keep going.
- A living memorial, if the family would like one. Some families plant a rose bush, a tree, or a bulb as a place to remember. Ask first, because some people do not want something they must care for.
- A candle. On October 15, many families will light one at 7 p.m. A simple candle, with or without flowers, is a gentle way to say you are thinking of them that evening.
📦 Delivery, With Care
- Send to a home, not a workplace, unless the family says otherwise.
- Send a text first, so the delivery does not come as a surprise. Our guide to the surprise delivery explains how timing and privacy work.
- Say what the card should and should not say. When you order with us, tell us if the loss is private and ask us to keep the card general.
- There is no deadline. A bouquet sent on October 15 is lovely. One sent in November, or on a random Tuesday in spring, may mean more.
We deliver across Tigard and the south metro, including Beaverton, King City, Bull Mountain, and Lake Oswego.
🚶 Showing Up After the First Week
Most of the cards and flowers arrive in the first few days. Then the world moves on, and the family is still grieving. A few ways to be the friend who stays:
- Reach out again after a few weeks, and once more after a few months.
- Mark the hard dates: the due date, the day of the loss, and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, which can be difficult.
- Include the partner. Ask them how they are, too.
- Offer practical help: a meal, a ride, a walk.
- Let them talk, or not. You do not have to fix anything.
🤝 If You Are the One Grieving
If this day is yours, we are sorry. There is no timeline for grief, and no right way to mark a day like this one. Some people light a candle, some visit a place that matters, some do nothing at all, and all of that is fine. A small bunch of flowers on your own table, for no one but you and the baby you are remembering, is also a perfectly good way to say it. If the grief feels like too much, a doctor, a midwife, or a counselor is the right place to turn, and in the United States you can call or text 988 at any time.
The founder of the October 15 observance describes it as a day to reflect on the loss yet embrace the love. We find that a good way to think about flowers, too.